(otherwise known as a very long post without pictures)
1- The Crown
My paternal grandfather was, by profession, a writer, artist/painter, journalist, illustrator/cartoonist, and he founded the first labor union newspaper in my home province. He's a dude with a bust displayed at the university library. He comes from a political clan, strong at the time, himself a vocal supporter of certain names in the province's bi-partisan politics. He fathered 19 sons and daughters (believe it: 12 from his first wife, 9 from the second), all of whom grew up, unsurprisingly, to have firm political views of their own.
(Every number of years, I'd have had an uncle get assassinated by a political rival. Or some similarly ugly and/or bloody thing. It was a brief part of my childhood. We kids on my father's side grew up sharing that same sort of psychosocial trauma, them more than me, you'll later find out why.)
My father was an idealistic if bourgeoise teenager when the Japanese came to invade the Philippines. He dropped out of Engineering to go to war. He earned a medal for bringing a live, captive Japanese soldier back to camp. He engaged the enemy in a fistfight, bare knuckles, until he got to grab the enemy's bayonet. He began as a foot soldier but, out of bravado and family connections both, got a pretty good view of the other side, the stuff that went on closed-door amongst generals.
2- The Belly
As the war ended, he'd grown so disillusioned by government. He took to the hills and joined the communist militia known as the Hukbalahap. He's got the nickname of notoriety and the crude tattoo to show for it. Once, he came out of hiding to visit his first wife, and his trail finally caught up with him. The secret service picked him up and brought him to prison. Ah, love conquers.
My father was a political prisoner for 13 years. He was in prison WAITING for a verdict. After 13 years, the verdict was: NOT guilty of treason. Justice did not slap him with a permanent record but robbed him of time; he was in his forties when he was DISCHARGED. Then he married my mother.
You may or may not know of Ferdinand Marcos, a despot, who lorded a dictatorship over my country for a great deal of time. He proclaimed Martial Law after his second term of office as president, and one October twelfth I was born as my father's first daughter, as one of the "martial law babies". (I have an adopted older sister.) He was captured and slammed once more, having to abandon my nursing mother and me. When he got out, he was done with it all.
3- The Heel
He shipped his family far into the capital city, almost completely severing ties from kin and friends. We lived a quasi-hermitic life amidst suburban neighbors who were not aware of us. In the process, we've also had to live in relative poverty, insecurity brought on by secrets, fear of forming real bonds with people, et cetera, all of which reared three dysfunctional girls in the family. (I have an adopted brother, the youngest child.) To be fair, my parents broke their backs doing their best to give us kids a normal and comfortable enough life, away from the ghosts that haunted them.
One day an American political writer came knocking. My father was stunned and upset that he was found, again. The author wanted to write a book about and with him, wooing with promises of fame and money. My father, a cranky old geezer of fifties by then, flat out refused and shooed him away. (An aside: I think Papa wanted me to write his book, he tried to say so in his own way just as his memory started to fail him, Alzheimer's. I didn't notice and didn't care, I was fucking 22. We were two generations apart. Skeletons in the closet.)
I understand it's not my place to do so but I think I wrote this post because I feel like our personal histories tell who we are in ways that we can't by relying on our own impressions of ourselves. It wasn't hard to write, all from memory, but it was so extremely hard to publish. In the end I decided to, as a gesture of allowing you to see some of what I am made of. It's a gift on a self-indulgent day (in advance).
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birthday blues
1- Time Ain't Gonna Make Me Stay : Ed Andrews : Good Morning Blues (A Classic Blues Anthology 1920-1942) : 2:47
2- Fugitive Blues : Lightnin' Hopkins : Nothin' But the Blues : 3:43
3- Late Blues : Ida : Heart Like A River : 5:24
About the music:
1- I'd mentioned previously my semi-obsession over pre-war blues of the 1920's because my father was born in 1920. Still because of my dad, this side cut in 1924 is a favourite among those I've found so far.
"I'm goin', I'm goin', cryin' won't make me stay;
I'll leave here walkin', talkin' this very day."
Ed Andrews is variously referred to as one of the earliest bluesmen. He played a 12-string guitar, and seemed to be an Atlanta, GA local. From the nets: "...a hitherto uninvestigated record, which has a strong claim to be the first commercial release by a country bluesman. It is Ed Andrews's 'Barrel House Blues'/Time Ain't Gonna Make Me Stay' (OK 8137), recorded in Atlanta, Ga., in April 1924. It predates Papa Charlie Jackson's 'Papa's Lawdy Lawdy Blues' (Pm 12219) by four months, and in any case represents rural traditions as Jackson's record does not."
2- Compared to many beloved Lightnin' tunes, this one is underwhelming in its simplicity but it rocks my inner fugitive so bad. When I think about it, everyone in my nuclear family was running for one reason or another. I am still running, I forget why.
"I'm going to keep on runnin' him,
yes, until the sole of his shoe get thin."
3- Shifting gears but still in keeping with. Oh, I know, I also tagged my first Mogoversary post with Ida. Love 'em, end of story. I love the sentiment that, if you're bound to fail, it is out of love, it is because it is inevitable, it is for hoping hard that your own failure does not become a failure in other lives, too. "If I let you down, don't let it break down." Consummatum est, there endeth the long post. Thanks for giving it time.
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late blues
if i get lost along the way to meet you
if i'm more than a little late
if i get caught up in circles chasing my own tail
if i trip up and fail you
if i let you down
if i let you down
i can see the injury that accompanies the passage of years
i can try to rationalize the accumulation of fear
and the dreams that draw us all in pursuit of the end of time
and the grace that illuminates the path
if i let you down
if i let you down
in the night the city's quiet
from the rooftop we can see the moon rise high above the clouds
just enough light to see our faces give expression to the words we thought but didn't speak
and then you asked me a question that i won't forget
even if i spend my life trying to live up to what it means
if i let you down
if i let you down
don't let it break down
don't let it break down
don't let it break down
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That was an incredible read Ilay. Absolutely incredible.
I wish I was more together to ask you some questions, but my faculties aren't in it.
I think stories like this really cut me like no other. Dissension is not easy. The real toll it takes on the individual and family is immense.
So what do you think ... how to put this ... How was your personallity shaped by these events in your families past? I don't know if that came out right. You know the punk rock and wild child. I don't want to make a direct connection because there rarely is a straightline, but you think your father and your father's father had a hand in your outlook today?
I'll take my comments off the air.
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Well Ilay ... I've seen a number of your posts roll by ... always feeling regret that time had seemingly robbed me of opportune moments to check em ... but I am so glad the gods felt differently this time.
I feel honored that you decided to let this little virtual, actually actual, group, in on a little personal history.
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Wow, this makes my childhood appear completely idyllic. Which, in retrospect, it probably was. As good as it could be, at least.
Not much more to add other than to thank you for sharing this with us. It is very illuminating. For a self-labeled hikikomori to click Publish on this, that's a huge leap of faith. Thank you for trusting us.
(Yeah, I had to Google hikikomori. ;))
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That is an incredible story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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Chris - the answer to the second question is yes. to the first, some personality traits, i can easily link back to family history - being (or choosing to be) ambiguous, unopinionated, evasive, a solo flighter and an escapist. i wish i had better answers at the moment, and i will another time if it ever came up, but i've just about spent my entire energy for the day on writing the post.
dissension - dead-on, i could have used this word half an hour ago.
Nick - i am drawn into "this little virtual, actually actual, group" (i like the way you put it) enough to like to share these bits of personal history, which i have not ever mentioned to some people i've known far longer. it maybe doesn't hurt either that the internet allows me some anonymity, makes it easier to spill it, although the thought that this is out here still terrifies me.
Dale - i had to piece my childhood together myself and honestly it made little sense until i hit my 30's. when i was living that childhood, all i knew was my parents did everything to make me happy and i can't be thankful enough for it. the Japanese make everything, and misanthropy, sound so hip, do they not? i stared at "Publish" for too long before pushing the button in a moment of humanness.
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I know the feeling kid. It really is a brain drain when you open yourself up.
Are we seeing a trend? Do I have to revoke your anti socialite license?
For me my familiy is an open book. While I don't have the history (most likely because of cultural differences) that you do, this kinda of exercise comes easier for me.
Thankfully through the power of the digital age I have learned more about a friend and hopefully she learns more about me.
You know in my country dissenters are called sympathizers. My definition is is 'brave soul'.
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Oh wow. Like Nick, I feel truely bleesed to have not missed this. I found it fascinating and terribly humbling.Thanks so much for pushing the Publish button.
I wish you the best as your birthday approaches. Take care.
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Andi - almost missed your comment there. thank you for not only thinking it but also letting me know.
Chris - anti socialite, makes me smile, i almost forgot. hoping it is a once-yearly trend, lest all the revelations come back to haunt me one day. lucky duck, i don't think the exercise is ever going to come easy for me.
right back atcha on the power of the digital age. (snail age not nearly as powerful right now.) and you know, despite cultural differences, i still see some of me in some of some of you, so that rocks.
"You know in my country dissenters are called sympathizers." - ow you got me there, kid. it'll be stuck in my head all day.
Mike - i am happy you dropped in on the one time i knew i'd be happy you dropped in.
nothing to be humbled by, i am quite sure my hometown's population is .01% of yours, there are only so many people to run for office, and when they start offing each other, well, there are even less. the capital city is overpopulated and offers comfort in a faceless, nameless sea of strangers.
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I promise you. If you keep writing like this, it will become easier.
I can only hope you keep up the practice. I think this post conveyed more meaning than you though it would and when you look back you will be surprised again and again.
Seriously, great post.
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Thanks for unravelling a bit and sharing.
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'snail age not nearly as powerful right now.'
I hope the guy who messed up the mail is stone dead on the powerful funk I sent your way.
I'll try again.
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wow, what a story. i would write that story poe. needs to be recorded and shared. thanks for sharing it here... :)
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Dang, Ilay--that is one heck of a story. Thanks for opening up a little and letting us in.
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What a history you have. I'd say you're getting the best of all that early adversity and anxiety by sowing more than your share of beauty and hope.
Like Dale, my childhood was so pastoral that only living it would be of much interest.
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Amiel - i love how you said "unravelling a bit". that was what it was, and i only hope it wasn't a bit much.
Chris - "stone dead" is the least of what they'll be when i'm done getting my voodoo on.
Jeff - how i wish the story would write itself without costing me. but we always need to pay a price for getting what we want, no?
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Chuck - does this post officially make me an open book? ah well, to friends in MOG, i don't mind the letting in part at all.
Scott - you can't be serious. the parts of your life you have been generous to share are anything but uninteresting. what a history my father has; me, i just rode along and am now coasting with it. as y'all like to say, living vicariously through my amazing family members.
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Great stuff, I've been going through several months of reflection after the passing of my Mom, she being the last of my small nuclear family. Why do we come to fully understand these people only after they are gone? I have so many questions left unanswered, explanations that needed to be heard, and feelings left to share. Your Dad sounds like an amazing person, he must have been in fathering such a wonderful soul as you.
Librans Rule!
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Fascinating read, Ilay. I admire the way you wrote about such personal memories in a unemotive, matter of fact style. A great skill. Perhaps you will get around to writing his story in book form. Either way, please give us more dark family secrets here (I'm joking...kinda.)
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it's still humbling. relatives just didn't get assasinated very often in superior, wisconsin. my upbringing was seriously cush and mundane compared to your life experiences. thanks for some life perspective. much love to you dear! xoxo
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Just wow!
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Nothing I can add to what's been said above - thanks for posting that
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Wow, thanks for sharing.
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Well, thanks, but if you review ages 0-13 there's really not much out of the ordinary. Of course, then the sex, drugs and rock n' roll kicked in :)
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Bruce - i don't think i have consciously begun any reflection in the 16 months my father has been gone, you are way ahead of me. things left unsaid and undone come at the worst times on wakeful nights. perhaps it's when they stop making their stories that we can finally view those stories from a different perspective.
and a happy birthday to you in advance!
Colin - completely new points of view i get after posting here on MOG never cease to amaze - you're right, i wrote it in an "unemotive, matter of fact style". an alternative career as a court stenographer awaits me, perhaps? plus, i worried this post breaks my entire Halloween thread of the month but not at all ... dark secrets indeed!
Mike - "relatives just didn't get assasinated very often in superior, wisconsin" - hmm, i'll give you that. i could tell my townspeople to move there and learn all about community love, or teach assassination techniques, whichever comes first.
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Keith - just thanks!
i am still waiting for a new post from you, kiddo. [wink]
Baudolino - many gratitudes in return for taking the time to read such self-indulgence.
Dani - think nothing of it, my dear. enjoy youth!
Scott - granted, any other age range pales in comparison to the age of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. i'd have had to do some sniping of my own to top all that teenage exploration. well, there you go, your life's been a bigger ball of fun than mine.
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The fact that you are so "removed" from the events is amazing. It abosolutely brings a greater understanding, along with other pieces you've posted, of your incredible search...for stability/chaos and beauty/horror and complexity/simplicity.
Your abilty to convey a story..so unique and personal, and yet have it resonate with those universal themes we can all relate to, is dope.
Breathtaking stuff, thanks for sharing.
I wrote a huge thing about my moms a month or so ago, maybe I'll edit it a bit and put it up. But ,damn woman, you set some pretty high standards.
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Cody - so beautiful, the things you said. you once made a post about your childhood and growing up, it was very real and honest, and it remains to be one of my favorite MOG posts to this day. it's posts like that one that keeps me inspired to make a post like this one.
you have to put that post up about your mom. i am a total sucker for personal histories, as you already know. without them, we're no different than news bloggers, and yet i insist we're better than that. the internet was supposed to have broken down the "fourth wall" long ago, in which audiences were merely passive, and we'd be darn crazy not to make use of the space liberated by any wall that had come down.
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Your family's saga is amazing and heart-wrenching. Thank you for letting us understand what has gone into your complex psyche.
(Also you discovered an earliest country blues singer I've never heard of. It's unheard of!)
I seem to remember our government enabling Marcos's regime's behavior.
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I somehow stumbled into your MOG blog and MOG as a result of that, just a few weeks ago. You're the only MOGger I follow, and I am so glad I do. Amazing and fascinating post. Thanks for sharing!
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Spike - pardon me, i sure took a while to get back to this post. my family's saga is still writing itself and i am glad to partake in it and allow it to complicate my psyche. btw, hey!, finally, a comment on the music. yes, i was hit by a wave of self-absorbed sensation, having found that song/singer.
on the last comment, the answer is hell yes. i believe the term we used back in my university activist days had the word "puppet" in it, always the hairy kind.
ArbiterOfGoodTaste - thank you for the kind words, they warm the heart. i will say with confidence, if i may, that MOG is filled with some very awesome souls i think you will find like-minded and perhaps even kindred. i loved seeing your "digital collection" in your MOG page and hope you'll stick around long enough to give us a spin, vice versa. (;
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Thanks! The digital collection just happens to be what was on my work laptop when I signed up for MOG. I have ~400GB of stuff at home, but it remains to be seen whether I remain a lurker or start posting stuff! Just not enough time in the day!
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Special indeed. Nice post, Poe.
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lovin' the sam 'lightnin' hopkins birthday blues!
hope your libra day celebration...
bends & flows like a hopkins guitar riff.
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ArbiterOfGoodTaste - same here, it's a digital collection from a work laptop and a newish home laptop. "~400GB of stuff at home" - in that case, i will bugger you from time to time until you post something. (;
lak - thanks. it is a special family, and i love them.
zoot - hah! so it takes Lightnin' Hopkins to break your silence! thanks, fellow Libra, the celeb bent like a Hopkins riff and flowed like good free wine. good and free ... can't ask for better.